6/18/2023 0 Comments One last soul![]() How to stop complaining about the small stuffĪs with any personal habit change, going cold turkey isn’t necessarily the best choice. ![]() So it is incumbent on you to identify why you are complaining-is it for connection, validation, just a bit of a vent, a narcissistic attention-seeking ploy, a much-needed airing of your thoughts, or just part of your unconscious conditioning ? As for your listener, are they prepared to take on your spiel, or are they some unsuspecting victim about to be sucked into your vicious circle of cynicism and gloom? The ability to connect and commiserate with others over negative content is far easier than it is over personal triumphs and things we are grateful for, which can cause jealousy and give the impression you’re boastful or a narcissist. Our survival instinct has always been to place greater psychological value on loss aversion or things that remove pleasure and comfort, rather than on events that bring comfort in the first place. It’s all part of our natural negativity bias. ![]() According to relationship researcher John Gottman, the magic ratio is five to one -we have to have five positive interactions to counterbalance any single negative one in order to maintain equilibrium. It’s easy to fall into the trap because we perceive negative events as far greater in importance and impact than positive ones. That’s when complaining can turn into ego-boosting and attention-seeking, where the positive reinforcement you get makes the complaining far too delicious to stop, so it becomes an unconscious pattern of behavior. But have you ever, in the process of telling the complaint, tried to justify your indignation by embellishing it just to gain greater validation from the listener? It’s also good for gaining a bit of perspective, as getting to hear the problem out loud can give you the distance to acknowledge that it really isn’t that bad in the grand scheme of things. By venting, you release the frustration and pressure inside your head and it frees you of some negative energy. Some level of complaining is actually good for your mental health. Even though I wouldn’t have labeled any of them Negative Nancies, many of them self -identify that way-just not in public. However, for most of the people I asked, they held it almost as a badge of honor, like a chosen pastime. They’re more the get-it-off-your-chest-once-and-be-done-with kind of complainers. For my core group (consisting of husband and best friends), the concept of getting together to moan was an immediate face-scrunch in distaste. So I asked a few of my friends what their perceptions are of complaining and the enjoyment of a “good ol’ moan.” The responses were clearly divided. ![]() Don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly running around the countryside singing, “the hills are alive with the sound of music,” but I just don’t see the joy in endless moaning. Apparently, believing that most people aren’t just out to get each other behind the scenes with a copy of The Prince peeking out of their back pockets makes me naīve. My former boss used to call me “Pollyanna” for my (irritating?) sense of unerring positivity. What is it about complaining that is so enjoyable? It was a throwaway comment, but it immediately got me questioning. I was in a meeting recently and one of my co-workers, not a particularly cantankerous sort by any standards, said: “Everyone loves a moan, don’t they?”
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |